Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
a search helicopter?!
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
