I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Randomize
