We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
