Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
