I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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