Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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