I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can't put those talents on a resume
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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