She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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