I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
home. puking in laundry basket.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
