Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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