Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
