I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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