i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
