Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
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