I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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