When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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