Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
