yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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