i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
