As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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