Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
