I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
