She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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