I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
