I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
