I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You made out with two different species that night
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
