currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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