Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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