haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
