And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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