dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
third nipple confirmed
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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