the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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