The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
