I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
