I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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