weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
