i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
