Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
