I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
