I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
