Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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