I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Congratulations! We have a period
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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