I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My cat gives me a boner
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
