the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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