I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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