he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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