weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
