i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
