Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
