My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
