hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
